Have you ever failed to talk to girls? Do you find it hard to get a date? Well don’t worry Citizens, I created a system that will have you S.C.O.O.P-ing girls right up!!!
S- Stare: Staring at a girl never fails, they say if you stare at a girl long enough a vortex will form around her finger creating a wedding band. I’ve tried this process and it has a 0% success rate from seven different women. But in terms of staring, making eye contact will force a woman to talk to you. She may think it’s creepy and try to run away, but chances are you are faster than her and are able to tackle her. (only works best for blue eyes).
C- Call: Once you successfully completed the eye contact phrase (doesn’t work so well when you tackle them) you will have the girl’s number/ whoever’s number she gave you. Once you got that bad boy wait a good six hours, if necessary you can go for four hours, she would probably prefer about a day, but the early bird gets in line first at Golden Corral, am I right?
O- Over analyze: After she has received your phone call and accepted your offer to go on a date, Purchase a Bulletin board (try to spend around $20, anything under is just terrible quality and probably made in Korea). Once acquired spend about thirteen hours- four days bringing up things she likes, enjoys, and interests she may have(you can probably get this info from her Facebook or by threatening a lawsuit against her boss). Connect all these things together with string and posted pictures, all this data should construct a good way to keep up conversation, and make for a great date at the one and only place you should take your date…
O-Outback Steakhouse: That’s right, you take your honey to Outback, you know the Hostess, Leila, she is going to hook you up with the dual booth in the back with the nicest array of boomerangs placed above the wall. What’s that? your waiter Dan is asking what you want as an appetizer? Well you tell Dan he better have that Bloomin Onion out in five minutes, because you got a stomach, and your stomach is hungry, and you know what you stomach wants? your stomach wants freshly fried pieces of giant slices of Onion inside itself. Once you and your date finish the bloomin Onion, tell Dan to bring out Wood-fire grilled pork chops for yourself, and a plate of golden Mahi for your lady. Once ordered, Dan will give the signal wink and you will begin conversation of the subjects you pinned to the bulletin board. If your date continues to ask why you ordered for her, because she wanted the Sirloin Diablo, you just keep bringing up her ex boyfriend Patrick and how he got his third DUI. After you two enjoy your delicious meals, Dan will have already brought out the Chocolate Thunder From Down Under. Now after this your date is going to be stuffed, I mean like she is going to burst something in her stomach, like aliens coming out of that perfect ab workout stomach of hers, but you will just sit there and wait for the final orders.
P- Propose: That’s right, you pull out a 14K white gold diamond ring, and you look at her dead right into the eyes. And you Say “Babe, listen here, I know I haven’t known you for more than a whole week, but dammit if you aren’t the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. Will you do me the honor?”, and like that, level ball thrown, Mewtwo has been caught. Now you will may get responses like: “Steven, I’m already married with two children” or “Aren’t you that guy from those bail bond commercials?”, but those occasions are rare. I would reccomend on waiting for atleast 7 months until the proposal though, but who knows, sometimes when you see a girl you just gotta stare at her and tackle her asking for a date to Outback steakhouse. Love is beautiful.
Congratulations! You have been educated on the S.C.O.O.P system, I hope it only brings you endless and romantic love.
You heard it ladies, I have what it takes. I know what plays my future team(probably the Vikings lol) will need to run to score all them TDs.
1. Athleticism- I am super athletic, I’ve played over 4 sports, 5 total growing up. Swimming, baseball, basketball, hockey, and of course football. I have such a variety of athleticism, ESPN has called me the white Deion Sanders, as well as referring to me by my name Steven Kootz, because I’m soon to be the greatest.
2. Agility- I race Steads every Thursday, you think some pity pass rusher can tangle me up in his big strong arms? probably not.
3. Brains- I’m smart, I know who to throw it to. I know where the defense is at all time. I know everything, even where the treasure buried at Lambo field.
4. equipped with weapons- that’s right, I have a knife hidden in my thigh pads, I’ll stab you if I feel like it’s appropriate.
5. I look beautiful in a football jersey- stack me up in some pads and pull that jersey over, you like? Yes, yes you do like. And you know what, I will accept that endorsement offer from Curtis Lindenstein’s hair gel for $8 million
6. I’ll be rich- I’ll probably set up a 401k plan just for Ferraris.
7. Beautiful face- I’m gorgeous
8. training- I train for 9 days of the week, 9 DAYS? Yeah 9 days, I defy physics and reality and break into other dimensions and spend my time there training.
9. I got a guy who can sell me some Tom Brady blood- Blood transfusions so I’ll always be in tip top shape
10. American citizen- That’s right, I Steven Kootz was born in the United States.
Yo i didn’t sit at home watching Godfather movies and playing battlefield of duty. I was out making paper and stacks. So here is a list to show you what I did. Enjoy it hosers.
- I traveled to Kenya and saved thousands of locals from bee infested homes
- I rode horses with the entire cast of “america’s next top model”
- bare knuckled boxed Mandela (RIP)
- spent $600 on a pair of designer jeans I made myself, thank you self. No problem self
- Alexander Ovechkin and I watched Taken 2
- eat a tube of chap stick
- 3 girls begged me to draw them as Jasmine from “Aladdin” I didn’t do it! I was busy with getting to the cinema to watch hamlet
- Defeated a dragon and mounted it’s head on my uncle’s wall in his basement
- I birthed my own child, I defied physics and yes I a male birthed little Davey
- bought a Nintendo game cube in mint condition
Young man, brave heart, and overall musically talented Steven makes a list abut his personality and traits. Enjoy
cooks a mean bratwurst
Can out bench press any of his friends
love stapling papers together
can massage a girls back for hours
won’t call you out for the obvious
Swedish girls love me
brave enough to put mustard on anything (as long as its spicy)
owns four V-necks
Is okay if you’re into necromancy
super good rep w/ Nike clothing apparel
has the baddest chick around
doesn’t break glass
won “Most athletic” for Pope high school class of 2013
listens to NPR
doesn’t wear beanies
would rather eat a banana than flank steak (POTASSIUM)
speaks poor english
will steal your girl
Caroline Morrison hates me
has like 30 cousins
doesn’t act his age
lack of facial hair
surplus of leg and stomach hair
eats way to much onions
Weight: 185 lbs
traps are super fit, can shoulder shrug 2 plates all day
lack of six pack
size 12 feet
hair: thick and german
golden ratio nose
lips are softer than suede and smoother than brick oven pizza
clean cut jeans
Dustin Mizelle’s compliments
talking to strangers
yelling “BANG BANG” and dancing by himself
getting picked up at airports
not fly enough to join wiz California and his bois
being on World star
his bank account
lack of ability to skate board
any woman with a good C-section story
Lord of the Rings
Pastor ape killa
Super bowl rings:
$25 Williams somana gift card
Dancing in the wind Peterslpeck wipes a smudge of battery acid off his thick rimmed glasses which happened due to the lack of recycling his neighbor Wayne, who lived above him would not take part in. Peterspleck burst through his apartment doors, like a majestic tiger being unbound for the first time,taking revenge on his previous owners in a bloody fashion. Once inside Peterspleck took the elevator to floor two, because real pimps don’t take the stairs. flowing out from the elevator Peterspleck walks with mad game up to Grant’s door, whispering at it instead of knocking.
“Whatta ya want kid?” Wayne pulls the door open faster than a spoiled son who pulls the plug on his rich and dying mother
“yo bro, vas up with all this battery acid, drip drip drippling all over my new glasses? It’s like you don’t even care about mother E-A-games, aka earth”
“Well, Peterspleck it is, right? Good, come in let me tell you a story”
Peterspleck nods his head and twirls inside “Yo this is a dope ass apartment, ya” reaching over he feels a curtain that hangs above his George Foreman grill
the two sit down in very affordable and leather chairs
“So Peterspleck, what brought you to america?”
“Vas bowling tournament on 10th street”
Wayne opened a safe that hid behind a painting that maybe a five year old drew
“I want you to have this Peterspleck”, Wayne throws a pound of cocaine at Peterspleck
“Oh no, I don’t do drugs”
Wayne grew furious and threw battery acid at Peterspleck’s face
He died in 30 minutes
“Hey Daniel, what’s happening?”
“Not much just wearing my new hat”
“Wow man that hat is awesome”
“Thanks man it’s the greatest hat on earth”
“I wouldn’t go that far with it”
“My Dad said it was the Steven Spielberg of hats”
“Well it definitely inst”
“Well it definitely is”
The two boys stare into each others eyes until Craig’s eyes water and pour out blood
“okay you win Daniel, your hat is the Steven Spielberg of hats”
“Daniel walks up to Craig and whispers in his ear “
“More like the Tarantino of hats”
Daniel and Craig haven’t talked since
“Well I hope you liked it” Josh Brolin emerges from his rocking chair putting the crusty old book back on the shelf
“Dad who is Tarantino?”
Josh Brolin leaves the room, turning the lights off creating the room into an abyss
The door locks and suddenly the TV emits Kill Bill vol. 2
“Dad this isn’t funny!”
The bell rang like any bell would ring on a Tuesday at 3 pm, mainly because every Tuesday a bell rings at 3 pm in the Wilmington school district. Lars adjusted himself publicly while a pair of twins from afar stared sensually as he finished.
“Lars what’s down there anyways? A jar of coins?” Alezander the school fatty chimed in
“It’s my manhood, they had a question and I had an answer, you got that? If not you should try fitting another piece of pound cake in your face”.
Alezander slowly spit out the rest of his pound cake
Lars made his was out the door onward to his 2003 Honda Accord where he would meet up with his bipolar friend Brad.
“Hey Lars how’s it hanging?” Brad knuckled touched Lars completely over his fists
“Pretty good. but I got to get home and send in my transcript to Mark Salzberg”
Brad looked away and popped a Dentyne Ice
“Brad think I can get one of those?”
Brad looked over his shoulders, “Yeah man, for sure”
the bottle poured over Lars hand until none came out
“weird man I just got this yesterday” Brad looked into the bottle and a slow tear came out
“brad, my boy, my bro, my friend, my homo sapien, my boy, you aren’t addicted are you?
Brad pushed Lars into his car, “Listen to me you overrated bigot, you got only 10 cents worth of ideas and 10 cents only so hand me over that 10 cents and I can buy a new bottle, ya hear?”
Brad’s hand gripped a knife that slowly poked at Lars
“Brad let go, you’re hurting me, what about our friendship?”
“What about it? My only friend is Dentyne ice, we’ve been friends for years, and I know for sure Dentyne Ice doesn’t go to the poser school Mark Salzberg College of Science and History, nah Dentyne ice goes to Jim settler’s”
Brad pushed the knife into Lars’s stomach and takes his 10 cents, with a swift exit Brad falls back into the bushed where he makes his escape
“My Future, my goals, my hopes and dreams…..crushed” Lars lays dying as his hands grip a Mark Salzberg folder