Young man, brave heart, and overall musically talented Steven makes a list abut his personality and traits. Enjoy
cooks a mean bratwurst
Can out bench press any of his friends
love stapling papers together
can massage a girls back for hours
won’t call you out for the obvious
Swedish girls love me
brave enough to put mustard on anything (as long as its spicy)
owns four V-necks
Is okay if you’re into necromancy
super good rep w/ Nike clothing apparel
has the baddest chick around
doesn’t break glass
won “Most athletic” for Pope high school class of 2013
listens to NPR
doesn’t wear beanies
would rather eat a banana than flank steak (POTASSIUM)
speaks poor english
will steal your girl
Caroline Morrison hates me
has like 30 cousins
doesn’t act his age
lack of facial hair
surplus of leg and stomach hair
eats way to much onions
Weight: 185 lbs
traps are super fit, can shoulder shrug 2 plates all day
lack of six pack
size 12 feet
hair: thick and german
golden ratio nose
lips are softer than suede and smoother than brick oven pizza
clean cut jeans
Dustin Mizelle’s compliments
talking to strangers
yelling “BANG BANG” and dancing by himself
getting picked up at airports
not fly enough to join wiz California and his bois
being on World star
his bank account
lack of ability to skate board
any woman with a good C-section story
Lord of the Rings
Pastor ape killa
Super bowl rings:
$25 Williams somana gift card
Dancing in the wind Peterslpeck wipes a smudge of battery acid off his thick rimmed glasses which happened due to the lack of recycling his neighbor Wayne, who lived above him would not take part in. Peterspleck burst through his apartment doors, like a majestic tiger being unbound for the first time,taking revenge on his previous owners in a bloody fashion. Once inside Peterspleck took the elevator to floor two, because real pimps don’t take the stairs. flowing out from the elevator Peterspleck walks with mad game up to Grant’s door, whispering at it instead of knocking.
“Whatta ya want kid?” Wayne pulls the door open faster than a spoiled son who pulls the plug on his rich and dying mother
“yo bro, vas up with all this battery acid, drip drip drippling all over my new glasses? It’s like you don’t even care about mother E-A-games, aka earth”
“Well, Peterspleck it is, right? Good, come in let me tell you a story”
Peterspleck nods his head and twirls inside “Yo this is a dope ass apartment, ya” reaching over he feels a curtain that hangs above his George Foreman grill
the two sit down in very affordable and leather chairs
“So Peterspleck, what brought you to america?”
“Vas bowling tournament on 10th street”
Wayne opened a safe that hid behind a painting that maybe a five year old drew
“I want you to have this Peterspleck”, Wayne throws a pound of cocaine at Peterspleck
“Oh no, I don’t do drugs”
Wayne grew furious and threw battery acid at Peterspleck’s face
He died in 30 minutes
“Hey Daniel, what’s happening?”
“Not much just wearing my new hat”
“Wow man that hat is awesome”
“Thanks man it’s the greatest hat on earth”
“I wouldn’t go that far with it”
“My Dad said it was the Steven Spielberg of hats”
“Well it definitely inst”
“Well it definitely is”
The two boys stare into each others eyes until Craig’s eyes water and pour out blood
“okay you win Daniel, your hat is the Steven Spielberg of hats”
“Daniel walks up to Craig and whispers in his ear “
“More like the Tarantino of hats”
Daniel and Craig haven’t talked since
“Well I hope you liked it” Josh Brolin emerges from his rocking chair putting the crusty old book back on the shelf
“Dad who is Tarantino?”
Josh Brolin leaves the room, turning the lights off creating the room into an abyss
The door locks and suddenly the TV emits Kill Bill vol. 2
“Dad this isn’t funny!”
The bell rang like any bell would ring on a Tuesday at 3 pm, mainly because every Tuesday a bell rings at 3 pm in the Wilmington school district. Lars adjusted himself publicly while a pair of twins from afar stared sensually as he finished.
“Lars what’s down there anyways? A jar of coins?” Alezander the school fatty chimed in
“It’s my manhood, they had a question and I had an answer, you got that? If not you should try fitting another piece of pound cake in your face”.
Alezander slowly spit out the rest of his pound cake
Lars made his was out the door onward to his 2003 Honda Accord where he would meet up with his bipolar friend Brad.
“Hey Lars how’s it hanging?” Brad knuckled touched Lars completely over his fists
“Pretty good. but I got to get home and send in my transcript to Mark Salzberg”
Brad looked away and popped a Dentyne Ice
“Brad think I can get one of those?”
Brad looked over his shoulders, “Yeah man, for sure”
the bottle poured over Lars hand until none came out
“weird man I just got this yesterday” Brad looked into the bottle and a slow tear came out
“brad, my boy, my bro, my friend, my homo sapien, my boy, you aren’t addicted are you?
Brad pushed Lars into his car, “Listen to me you overrated bigot, you got only 10 cents worth of ideas and 10 cents only so hand me over that 10 cents and I can buy a new bottle, ya hear?”
Brad’s hand gripped a knife that slowly poked at Lars
“Brad let go, you’re hurting me, what about our friendship?”
“What about it? My only friend is Dentyne ice, we’ve been friends for years, and I know for sure Dentyne Ice doesn’t go to the poser school Mark Salzberg College of Science and History, nah Dentyne ice goes to Jim settler’s”
Brad pushed the knife into Lars’s stomach and takes his 10 cents, with a swift exit Brad falls back into the bushed where he makes his escape
“My Future, my goals, my hopes and dreams…..crushed” Lars lays dying as his hands grip a Mark Salzberg folder
This is the 1st paragraph to my latest story, I hope you enjoy
Peering into his reflection Mark visualizes past the window into his open yard, rain collides into his grass, his flowers, his mailbox, and even on his new Ford Fiesta, peeling away the steel slowly into rust. Mark isn’t much a traditional man; in fact he hasn’t seen his parents in 3 weeks which is a rare occasion for a Kenningsworth family member. His dreadful summers in youth where spent outside his parents estate in Maine where he would dramatically swing on his play set gazing into his house as he watched his brothers and sister tug among toys and buy one get one free yogurt cups. Now at the age of 24 and quite successful Mark enjoys new things; badminton with his friend Elijah, riding his 3 speed around town, and going to public debates where he politically crushes everyone. Mark takes a green rugged lid out of his pocket and puts it on his cup of tea. The cracking door slowly opens and his umbrella peaks out, one step out and like a star expanding his umbrella shoots open. The door closes, the door locks, the door is now left alone while Mark does the same process in reverse to get inside his car. Down the driveway Mark goes, on his way to work like every Monday through Friday, quite fun for Mark since he is ranked number one on iTunes for mix tapes. Darkened by the cover above him Mark pulls into a parking garage and parks into his normal spot which is reserved for him but sometimes he will lend it out for tickets to a Shins concert. Inside the elevator Mark looks at his watch, 8:52, which is perfect timing for arriving on time to work or anything really where you need to be at 9 o’clock. The Museum of Art and History looks ever so decadent and all because of the overnight shift who cleans up and waxes the place for its lavish shine.
…..More will come
Hello readers,homo sapiens, and Neanderthals welcome to EYL (egg yoke learnings) where you will find humor and sass without the uncomfortable staring eyes of Martha Stewart. In this segment I’m bringing the pilgrims and Indians together for one final dinner, it’s called “Fun things to do on Sunday (keeping the Sabbath holy)”, I’m very creative. So let’s cut off the butchers arm and deep fry this sucker shall we?
- Strangle your neighbors pet goldfish
- Put lassos around children and use force to capture them
- Eat a gyro
- Make your own beef jerky
- Play hours on end of Jenga with a cardboard cut-out of Ryan Seacrest( please do not romance with the cut-out)
- Buy a trident
- Massage my shoulders?
- Drink tainted holy water
- Read my blog http://exceptionalyetlovely.wordpress.com/
- Ask your friend Paul if he/she is constipated, if they says yes spend your evening cuddling with him/her
- Spit at Senior citizens
- Make an inappropriate rap song how you are going to change the “rap game”
- Pole vault over tall objects
- Call those nice girls who are on TV after midnight
- Clip out pictures of Rhianna and put them all over your wall
- Buy some of Rhianna’s hair off Amazon/eBay
- throw eggs at an abortion clinic/ support abortion clinics, I’m not biased so do which ever your political feelings aim towards
- Hi Rachel
- Purchase some Altec Lansing speakers and sell them for profit to someone who isn’t that smart with speakers who wants to buy new speakers
So I hope all this came in handy and for your Sunday funday, And remember stay safe but if someone is trying to bust open your knee-cap you have the right to slap them in the face. Live from my tiny crawlspace of a bedroom, I’m Stevey J and remember to keep clean and wash out your ear lobes thrice a week.
“let’s say Tom cruise and Beyonce made a baby, would it look more black or white?” Donald started to stroke back his hair as his sausage fingers poked the calculator.
“I have no clue man, Why is this even a question?” I started to pour a glass of Tang into my Star wars ep. V collection cup.
Donald’s face lite up like a white girl at a Brittany spears concert “Yo YOYOYOYOYOYOYOYOYO” Donald is literally screaming “YO Kevin I got the results, in fact after the calculations their child would weirdly look Cuban, amazing how technology works now’a'days”. Donald ran out of my room and into the hallway where he left the house and got onto his Yamaha moped.
“Hey Kevin, who the hell was that? And why is there Danimals yogurt all over my TI-83?” My mom angrily grabbed the calculator and started to yell more, it made me feel very sad. I felt so sadden I took it upon myself to cry while squeezing a big scoop of strawberry ice cream in my fist.
Dad came home and walked in through the kitchen not seeing me but only my mother licking the back of her ear gently.
“oh well, Howdy Kevin, uh um I think that Dave guy down the street wants to talk to you! Yeah now go see him before he leaves, me and your mother have to make sweet sweet……
“Horse radish sauce” my mother jumped in very fast, she could hardly catch her breathe for some reason.
I started walking down the street with only one thing on my mind “why does Dave want to talk to me? Does he think I have some kind of encrypted tomb of enchanting?”
Butterflies gathered around my stomach, not as a metaphor but actual butterflies, probably from all the honey suckles I rub around my belly button, I saw on Dr. Oz it’s pretty flippin healthy for you to do.
As I slid along the road Dave lives on I got a sneak peak of him smoking stuff out of a flower vase with that reggae singer Bob Marley on it. “Hey Dave, you wanted to see me?”
Dave put this fancy vase down and pulled his pants up ” Oh hey Kevin, I actually didn’t have to tell you anything, but now that your hear can you help me out?”
Dave was a nice guy always seeming to care about other people, like he always seems to have our entire grade over to have slumber parties, I can never go though because my dad says I have values, which is true my mom said I’m worth a million dollars, which made me feel nice, but at the same time afraid of rich people like Donald trump.
“what do you need?” Dave came over and put a bar of soap in my hand
“I need you to wash this old man for me” Dave pointed to Mr. Salwinsky who was wearing some swim trunks. Making eye contact Mr. Salwinsky winked at me and started to comb his hair.
I took the bar of soap and began to wash Mr. Salwinsky, “Just like my ex wife Veronica!” which is weird because I didn’t know Mr. S was married.
“well that’s enough young boy, I must get going, FRIENDS is on” Mr. S walked never more proudly in his swim trunks across the street.
Dave walked over to me and said “that was really sweet, and kinda dope how you washed that old guy, hey can I hang out with you and Donald some time? I had no clue you guys were chill.”
I agreed. Dave and I walked to my house and saw my parents happily talking and folding leather suits to be put into a box that I’m not aloud to go in. Later we called Donald who came back over with some more news
“Guys!! GUYs!! so Tcruise and beyonce not only have a Cuban baby, but also Moroccan” Dave seemed very chill with Donald’s weirdness and gave him a hug with the three of us leaving the house to go sit on the porch and eat chicken wraps.